Can fear stop you from being your true self?
Looking back on my life, there are many times when fear would stop me in my tracks and instead of being true to myself, it was easier to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. When I think about it now, maybe it’s because I really didn’t know who I was either.
I feel saddened that I was not being honest with myself, trying to be the best pupil, friend, sister, daughter, mother, partner, colleague that everyone wanted me to be. I just wasn’t being honest with myself or them.
Knowing what I know now, being true to yourself and being your true self is simple. It’s not for the fainthearted and you need courage. It took me some years to access that courage and allow myself to be me and accept that I was on a journey of growing and learning – just like everyone else is.
It got to a point where I had deep feelings of inner emptiness and a sense of surreal dissociation, and even feelings and thoughts that “this isn’t my life”. I believe that every person at some point in their existence has stopped and stared blankly at their reflection and wondered “who the hell am I?” just like I did.
At times, I felt smothered and suffocated by the weight of the pretence and masks to perform against my responsibilities in life, which caused me to suffer anxiety and depression that became all-consuming at times. In living out a lie I became emotionally numb and existentially depressed, caused by a lack of meaning and soul connection.
Then the gradual realisation that this was the way I was living my life played out. But I did nothing about it, I guess because at the time I didn’t know any other way to live. Then suddenly there was an epiphany, which was all consuming.
I felt increasingly confused about who I was and what my life was about, I was disoriented and anxious and depressed. Some days my thoughts, emotions and actions led me to spiral into a profoundly dark place. Thankfully, that is all in the very distant past now.
Have you had this realisation? What was it like for you?
Maybe these resonate with you:
- You feel trapped
- You feel unheard, unseen, and undervalued
- You feel alone
- Your smiles hide terrible pain
- You’ve tried to make your life “socially acceptable”
- You’re obsessed with pleasing others (i.e., overextending yourself, constantly gaining approval, etc.)
- You’re tired of putting on fake personalities
- You base your self-worth on how others perceive you
- You rarely feel true happiness anymore
- You frequently carry a feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach
Reflect on these signs. How many resonated with you?
The more signs you said an internal “yes” to, the more likely you’re living an inauthentic life. It’s time to be true to yourself!
To be my true self fills me with fear
It can be terrifying to be seen as our true authentic self, we want to be loved and accepted and if we are different in accepting our uniqueness, what will we lose? Our family, friends, community? Our life as we believe it to be.
It took me some time to really step into who I was meant to become and be so unapologetically me. I needed to let go of those fears that were holding me back and those thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. As they kept me safe, stepping out into who I really am made me vulnerable and that meant that I did lose some family members and friends. But then I made new friends that love and accept me for who I really am and who support me on my continual journey of exploration and growth. I guess we all fear things changing but change is inevitable in this life.
The irony is, the more I became my true self, the more confident I became, the happier I became, and the stronger I became. All areas of my life improved – my relationships, my career and my spirituality. And gone were those dark feelings and emotions that used to cloud my days.
In becoming my true self, it’s been an emotional, psychological and spiritual journey, and one I am grateful for. It is my belief that when we view our lives not just in a purely biological sense (eat, sleep, breed, and die) but also a metaphysical one, being true to ourselves is crucial.
Without being true to ourselves, we remain like mindless zombies, who are sleepwalking following the crowd and neglecting our deepest essence.
It takes courage to grow up and become who you were always meant to be. Each and every one of us has a destiny, a true life path, and a deeply significant soul mission.
When we innocently listen to others and try to conform our lives to their expectations, we come out of alignment with our ultimate life purpose. It’s not that we choose to deliberately walk the wrong path. Instead, our fractured lives are the result of being unconsciously conditioned to live on autopilot.
We’re taught since childhood to listen to our “elders” and be obedient to society. But although fitting in helped us to learn the lessons we needed as children, pleasing others becomes an outdated pattern of living in adulthood.
As adults, we need to learn how to stand on our feet and make decisions that come from our heart and soul, rather than from what others (our parents, friends, partner, or culture) tell us – this is true adulthood.
A great way to help you connect with your true self is to start with my 3 Golden Nuggets:
Golden Nuggets
1. Forgive yourself
If you feel like you’re living a lie, forgive yourself. It’s OK! So many of us feel the same way. In fact, learning how to be true to yourself is all part of the human experience.
When we come into this life, we’re practically destined to live inauthentic lives. Why? We need to first discover who we’re not before being able to uncover who we truly are deep inside.
So don’t worry. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. You aren’t at fault. And you’re certainly not alone. All of us have experienced inauthenticity at some point.
Top Tip
Spend some time journaling, write at the top of the page ‘I forgive myself for…’ and write whatever comes to mind until you can’t write anything more. Then in order to let this go, burn it and say ‘I forgive myself and I let go’ – repeat these words 7 times.
2. You are responsible for your happiness
To be true to yourself, you need to take self-responsibility for your life. Often, we like to think that we’re responsible people. But our actions usually prove otherwise.
We depend on others for our total sense of wellbeing. We keep blaming our “fate” and “bad luck.” And we let others drag us by the short ‘n curlies, passively standing on the sidelines waiting for some hand-holding.
To be true to yourself, you need to step up and be proactive. Don’t be a passive bystander: take your life by the balls and reclaim the reigns! No one is responsible for your life but you. No one is responsible for making you feel fulfilled but you!.
Top Tip
The moment you step up to this challenge is the moment you start to feel empowered again.
So, ask yourself, what are the 3 things you can start right now to become responsible for your own happiness? And what action will you take right now to make that happen? Not tomorrow, the weekend, or next week but right now!
3. Get into your heart
We need both the mind and heart to work in unison with each other, yet we are taught to worship the mind and trivialise the heart.
If your mind is constantly racing and full of thoughts, take a step back. Find some way to relax your mind so that you can listen to your heart again.
Remember that your heart is the doorway to your soul, your inner self, your higher self. Whatever your soul wants to communicate will be felt in your heart, if you allow it.
Top Tip
Some great ways to relax the mind include breathwork techniques, meditation, qigong, yoga, guided visualisations, and mindfulness exercises. Spend just 5 minutes a day in a quiet space with yourself and feel into your heart.
So, let’s summarise those Golden Nuggets again:
- Forgive yourself
- You are responsible for your happiness
- Get into your heart
Coming out of the closet, revealing your true colours, and listening to the call of your soul can all feel terrifying at first. But in the end, the longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself.
You’re with yourself 24/7, 365 days a year. Learning how to be true to yourself is vital if you’re to live a vibrant, meaningful, and fulfilling life.
Finally, don’t forget to laugh. Be playful. Laughter is good medicine. When you stop taking yourself so seriously, you can enjoy the dance of life just as it is, without all the drama. So don’t forget to enjoy the ride!
Thank you for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week for Pura Vida Your Life Happenings for insight, inspiration and more Golden Nuggets to help you live a happier and fulfilled life.
I invite you to come on a journey of empowerment with me – sign up to Discoveries to start taking steps to improve your life!
Pura Vida Your Life – it all starts with you 🧡💙💛
Until next time – Pura Vida!